It's Complicated

As part of my effort to be more social this year I decided to update my facebook page. Unfortunately, I stopped the instant it came time to choose a relationship status. This wasn't out of fear to admit that I am single, but merely because I was a bit overwhelmed by the number of options.

It seems that facebook has thought of every possible relationship scenario and developed a status for it. And for those which fall outside the realm of normalcy, there is the status I find most interesting: It's Complicated.

Looking over the status chosen by others I came to the conclusion that this status may be overused and greatly misunderstood. Being a writer, my brain had already went to work wondering what type of situation would legitimately qualify as "complicated". Because to me it would seem ridiculous to label something complicated when what you really wish to convey is that:

• You're currently in the middle of an argument and possibly not speaking to one another. (This isn't complicated. This is life.)
• You broke up, but you're not over him/her yet. (Guess what? Hate to break it to you, but you're single.)
• You don't like being single or the stigma associated with it so you think "it's complicated" lends you an air of mystery. (It doesn't, trust me. Just makes you look like a royal pain in the ass and an oscar winning drama queen.)

Now, if you believe none of the above applies to you, but you still think your relationship is "complicated", please keep reading. Below I've listed the circumstances that I can think of that would legitimately require an "It's Complicated" status:

1) You're married to Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated.

2) Your significant other is any form of life sized doll, Japenese pillow, or hand puppet. You love it, wash it and care for it, just as you once did your deceased invalid mother/father/pet. Congrats, your relationship is complicated.

3) You return home early from work to find your husband of 15 years wearing your lingerie and makeup. Feeling relief at having been found out, he chooses this moment to tell you he's actually transgendered. He wants a sex change and for you to start calling him Helen. Congrats, your relationship is complicated.

4) He doesn't know you exist. You're one of his many friends on facebook just so you can steal his photos, photoshop yourself into them, and then proudly display them around your house while revealing the details of your latest "date" to your cat. Little does Fluffy know, your "date" was actually you watching his house from the bus stop across the street. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated.

5) You're comatose following an automobile accident. 3 months later you awaken with no recollection of who you are let alone the man claiming to be your husband who now expects you to have sex with him. You have to admit, you find him physically repugnant and his voice grates on your nerves. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated.

6) Your car breaks down while you are traveling along a deserted road in the middle of a blizzard. Walking to the nearest patch of civilization is impossible as you will die of exposure long before you reach it. You have no means of communication, no heat, no food, and no water. Desperate to survive one of you kills the other, dines on thier flesh and blood, and uses what's left over to create a meat suit to shield yourself from the cold. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated.

7) You're a spy. Your family meant only as a cover, but over the last 10 years, you've come to love the woman in bed beside you and the children down the hall. All you really want is a normal life filled with barbecues and dance recitals. But when a terrorist organization finds and kidnaps your wife, you're forced to choose between your loyalty to your country and your loyalty to the woman you were never supposed to love. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated. (Bonus points if you chose your wife and rescue her only to find she was an agent for the terrorists and your loving her was thier plan all along.)

8) You're a vampire. She's a human. You have an insatiable lust for her blood and a nagging headache from her incessant whining. She's clingy, perpetually PMSing and only mildy attractive, and you wonder why you don't just eat her already. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated.

9) You are marooned on an uninhabited island with only a volleyball for companionship. Years later, you're rescued and you return home to find that your wife, believing you dead, has remarried and started a new life where she doesn't even have time to visit your grave. Congratulations, your relationship is complicated.

10) Your wife hasn't spoken to you in nearly a year. Ever since a former patient broke into your home and shot you. Meanwhile you've begun treating a troubled young boy who claims he can speak to dead people. You try to help him while your wife seemingly begins an affair. In the end, the boy tells you that you're a ghost and you were actually haunting your wife. Congrats, your relationship is definitely complicated.