This is a big year for me. It marks the official end of my youth. On November 20th, 2011, I will turn 30. I know, I know, there are people out there in thier forties, fifties, etc. that will groan and say they wish they could be thirty again. But if they think back, they will realize that they once felt the same mixture of panic and resentment that I am feeling towards an otherwise innocuous day.
30 is a big deal. It's the age when the other grown-ups around you start expecting you to act like one. In my family however, it has traditionally been met with a certain amount of regression, most of us preferring to continue living in a Neverland of partying, alcohol, and age inappropriate clothing.
The youngest of the four girls in my family, I will be the last to hit this major milestone - my sisters having already crashed into it with varying velocity - and I am determined to meet my birthday with grace and maturity. Thus, while watching a rerun of one of my favorite sitcoms, How I Met Your Mother, it occurred to me that I would need my own Murtaugh List to ensure success. So, below is a list of 10 things I vow never to do once I hit 30:
1) Kiss a Girl in Public - Really, at this point we should all be past our "bi-curious" stage and be either decidely straight, gay, or bi-sexual. And if we're just doing it for attention or to impress some guy, well, that's just pathetic.
2) Purchase Clothes form the Junior Section - There are plenty of beautiful items to be found in stores that don't specialize in cheap $5 T-shirts that express a desire to steal another girl's boyfriend and pants with words printed on the ass.
3) Wear Shimmery Pink Lipstick - Okay, so I've never looked good in pink and perhaps this is why I'm so quick to write this one off without remorse, but seriously, unless you look like Malibu Barbie, it's not working for you.
4) Develop a Crush on Justin Bieber - I will confess to currently having a huge crush on several of the boys from Twilight and Big Time Rush and even a small one on Freddy from i-Carly, but at 30 it borders on lecherous and may be just plain creepy to like a 16 year old.
5) Sleep with a Stuffed Animal - This one will be a tough one for me. My bed is currently occupied by a stuffed, wrinkly dog that's been with me since I was 3. It's going to be rough, but I think I can convince myself to at least hide him when I have company.
6) Sleep with Someone Whose Name I Can't Remember (or don't care to remember) - I was drunk. I was young. I was stupid. These are no longer acceptable excuses for poor and oftentimes dangerous decision making.
7) Drink Too Much at an Office Party - Trust me nobody wants to be that girl, and at this point your career should be far too important to jeopardize it with a reputation as a party girl or someone who's sleeping her way to the top.
8) Do Body Shots - Even if you're hot, this is just wrong. Leave this to the 20-somethings that can still blame the youth, the alcohol or the stupidity.
9) Dance on the Bar - See above.
10) Drink Cheap Alcohol - Life's just too short and the headaches are horrendous. My days of embracing a willingness to drink battery acid if it gets me buzzed are numbered.
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